ASD Forum

Please help Im going insane!
My partner has adhd and is very demanding. I have 3 children ,one of which is his, but i feel like i have 4 children most of the time. Infact he is harder work than my children are.
Does anyone live with an adult who has adhd? So far I can only find forums to do with children.

hi sorry can't help, do feel for you though, my son is 11yrs old, he has a.d.h.d and thar is bad enough, is your hubby on medication of any sort, i know he can have anger management if you feel he might need it, though it is not always easy to get, good luck

welcome Ellen, your right about the most forums being about kids, I cannot offer any advice either, it would be good if you stick around though as I am sure that your not the only person in this situation you may be able to help others at a later stage.

Thanx...............I will keep my out on the forums.
Looking at my post I may have came across in the wrong way. I do apologise to anyone with children whom I may have upset by my frankness. Some days, as you all will have, are fine and other days are absolutely intolerable.

Many thanx again.

thanks Ellen for the reply

Hi Ellen,

I feel for you, life must be tough, at least I only have myself to worry about bringing up children as well must be really hard. Do you have any support from your family and/or his family?

I am an adult with ADHD and its nice to see this situation from another perspective other than the ADHD one! Its just an eye opener for me on how my other half must feel sometimes. I know this probley doesnt help your situation but it has helped me see it from another perspective and realise exactly what my other half has to put up with. Thank you.
Aims x x x

Sorry but this is the most honest post I have made so far. especially sorry to those who have gained hope from my previous posts about their ADHD children. Sorry Jac, my previous optimism and enthusiasm were genuine, but I have to do this now so people don't think their partners are putting it on a bit and that ADHD Chris got it sorted in only a few weeks so why can‘t they, because I most definitely have not 4 months down the line.
All the theory in the world now in my head is useless when I can't put any of it into practice. I can repeat it and could maybe even write a book with all that I have absorbed, yet none of it can work if I don‘t do it.

Ellen, as you may have seen some of my posts on ADHD you will understand that I know exactly what you are going through.

I have now known about why I am the way I am, only since September 2008 and I have to say, regardless of all the effort, investigations and coming to terms I have been through, I basically feel exactly the same. Just more emotionally drained and even more frustrated than before and aware that life just can't go on in this way.

Lonely(although married with 2 children)

Angry (that my mum kept it from me and the frustration of my over busy mind and inability to help my daughter)

Frustrated (I now know exactly what is happening, yet can't do anything about it for more than 48hrs, then I just slip back)

Annoyed (when I hear people ridicule the condition especially my inner voice who beats me up about my failings every minute of every day)

My youngest daughter has Spina Bifida and I never hear her moan about her life in a wheelchair. I hate myself for it and feel guilty.

I can't get organised enough to stop things going wrong which trigger a mood swing. Once that has happened the whole day is a right off, with no chance of feeling normal until the next day starts. I just go from one ADHD moment to the next. The only happiness I feel is just as I am falling asleep, so it equates to feeling good for about 20 seconds per 24 day. I was only truly happy 60 feet up a tree or drunk out of my mind, but both of those things would kill me soon enough. I am a reformed Alcoholic with 6 dry years and wonder why I gave it up as it made me so happy to have no responsibility and just blame the drink for any outbursts.

I am now considering leaving my family out of kindness. I know it will break my kids hearts, but growing up around me cannot be good for them. Suicide has lived in my head for as far back as I can remember, although I have previously given in and tried 3 times it is not something I want so the next best way to protect them is to leave.(I also couldn‘t face the waking up in Hospital again 2 days after, seeing my mum‘s face wondering why I had done it, she still doesn’t understand me now.) I feel this could only help my Daughter who has ADHD as I don't want to give her excuses for bad behaviour and be a poor role model in her life with ADHD. I know exactly what I need to do to help her, but unfortunately that will never happen because I just can't do it, plus my wife still thinks shouting will help at some point!!!!! The most painful thing about leaving is knowing I will never be able to see them again.

I think I was wrong. I don't have any answers that work for me despite my enthusiasm for knowledge. I have gained respect from a few people in life but I know that deep down inside I respect no-one. I have enormous empathy for very few humans yet hate and despise the rest. When something bad happens I either laugh or cry with very little in between, which makes me feel either cruel or pathetic...we just can't win.

Good Luck to All, especially you poor normal people who have to suffer us.

Jac, I hope you can give Tyler the tools in life so he doesn’t end up like I have. You don’t beat him so that’s a gr8 starting point. Don’t despair please. I am genuinely damaged goods. I spent my childhood being beaten up by my step dad because I never did what he told me, because I couldn’t. I was only ever treated for my intelligence and it was always held against me when I did the wrong things as a standard I had to live up to in all aspects of life, which was just impossible.

ADHD Chris

According to Russell Berkley PhD, our brains mature slower than normal, reaching maturation between age 27 and 32yrs. I felt productive up until 35yrs and now feel useless, maybe Adult ADHD is a life of contemplating what we miss, whereas up until maturation, life is just a road to discovery as a child like being.

hi chris, thanks for that honest reply, my heart truely goes out to you and your family, part of me does understand what you are saying if i look at it through my sons eyes, as you know he is 12yrs old now and he has to struggle with every day things every day of his life and it really breaks my heart, so of the worse peoples attitudes towards him come from his own so called close knite family, i am always worried about how he will cope as an adult and if i was not around to support him, don't get me wrong i sometimes fine it really hard to cope with him but i do my best to get him to lead a normal life, it can sometimes be imposssible, but then hay what is normal family life

hi there. i have a partner who i believe has adhd although i dont think anything will ever be known. maybe i am wrong but the symptons are there and i am approaching him in a completley different way, with patience and understanding that works. i think everyone on this site will be able to shed some light on certain areas but only you know what is going on in your life and only you can determine what works and what doesnt. once people open up there minds they start understand more whats around them, keep your mind open and try to understand first why certain things are difficult or frustrating, i really believe it helps. keep us all posted on any progress and even the bad days because what seems bad and horrible to one can be very useful to another, am sorry if that sounds a bit off. dont panic you are not on your own, its just sometimes hard to find the right ear to listen and the right brain for information. hope the new year is good to you.xx jac

hi,just wanted also to reply to adhdchris post, thankyou for being honest although you may find your post negative and far from the optimistic recent posts that have helped me and am sure have helped others, i do understand a little of how you feel, but only in a depression manner. sometimes we push ourselves too much for answers and forget what the question was in the begining. I know one thing, answers come in the strangest form and true acceptance of yourself happens within your fears, doubts and mistakes, we live and learn as the saying goes. i am sory things are really difficult for you and your family at the minute and am no counsellor by any means, but does your wife accept you as you are ?, reason being as i probably didnt accept james for who he was 100% because i felt like it was me to blame for how he was behaving and the troubles he was having, i know differnt now and things are working out great. ok nothing is rosy but its hard work dealing with things but if you can deal with it together doesnt tht make it a little better, someone else to share your ups and downs, your happy wild times and low confidence times. have you talked to your wife as honestly about this?. i also want you to know that if you take the time to write a post of your personal feelings then we take the time to read them, thats because for all our situations we are in, it all helps in some form. this day and age we all feel like not enough people listen to eachother, so why not share experiences like this. i am an eccentric to quite a few extremes and no i dont have any dx for anything, i just have struggled all my life with who i am, and now all my little quirks and indepth conversations(whether am completely sending someone to sleep, or make them leave the room) i am who i am, too much judgement in the world, its you that matters and when you have family around you, dont ever give up on them, they accept you, they find it hard at times and dont understand fully everything you do or say but hey, its got to be more interesting than being boring. i hope you dont find any of this offensive and really hope things become a little clearer for you, and dont be sorry, you have helped and given me a little boost with my mothering skills, i.e what not to do!, thankyou. take care please do share your experiences, we are on a similiar journey, just different transport!!.xx jac

Hello Jac,

Thanks for your post, it helped a lot. I dearly hope things get better for you soon.
It was basically an emotional hangover after such prolonged hyper focus. When the intensity of my desire for knowledge reduced, I felt mentally bored and mr negativity took over for a bit. The inner voice that judges and dismisses hope like a metronome nag after nag, doubt after doubt. Like brainwashing from within!

Like in my poem, It’s good to feel a bit like what it would be like to be free of ADHD.
Never really free, just understanding how to enjoy the highs and steady the lows.

Thanks again.

ADHD Chris

thankyou chris for being honest, and dont worry we all here to let your frustration out. I understand to some extent why you felt so negative but obviously am still new to the feelings of it all myself. am glad to see you back with more insightfull posts. hope things are well at home.x

Why wont my husband see a doc? i have a 8yr old with adad and my youngest is 3 4 nxt month and he has asd, my husband as i belive also has asd as he shows the same simlaritys as younger son this has also been pointed out in his work place by his manger and has been advised to see a doc, hmmm so how do i do it lol, he still thinks our sons has nothing wrong with them and its appart of growing up just like he did!
i can see the familuararties day by day i also think he has ocd but when i mension dr he shurugs it off like its nothing, as do his family! im alway being told its because of me!! and i let the boys walk alover me but how do you disaplin.
any information on this would be grateful thanks for your time in reading.
see you soonxxx

hiya!

totally get where you are coming from about having 4 kids instead of 3.

my situation is very similar. partner has something along the lines of ADHD/ BI-polar.
but getting a diagnosis, just isn't helping. they keep trying to send him to anger management and self esteem groups. but the poor guy just wants to know the reason for feeling the way he does. : mostly aggressive and rude. mood swings that impact on everyone. impulsive and inapproapriate behaviour.

it makes our day to day life a liviing hell, and i am so unhappy most of the time. i feel trapped in a relationship with an ogre! but on the flipside (as i'm sure you'll all understand) there is a wonderfull, caring, helpful individual. he helps with housework and the kids and holds down a full time job. and this particular job for nearly a year! and getting a promotion.

life is difficult with a partner with these issues. it is easier to deal with the kids ( our son has adhd/ od ) because you still have that element of control, but with an adult you have no control. you just have to buckle up and hold on tight!

my only advice is: look for the positives in your relationship (i'm sure there will be some) don't stand for any nonsense (you don't have to for the sake of love, you are equals) and stay out of the way when things turn sour. space and time are invaluable in my relationship. after an outburst/ barney he usually processing things in his head, and is a much nicer person because of it.
good lkuck xx